Chapter 12 - He's So Intimidating
Strong men are intimidating men. One of the ways you can know if your man is truly a strong man is to note whether or not people are generally intimidated by him.
Quite frankly, if your husband checks all the boxes on page 1 we can therefore know that he is a true “Strong Man” by definition. That being the case, you have certainly noticed that people, in general, are intimidated by him. Maybe even you are intimidated by him. And if you’re intimidated by him, then your kids are probably intimidated by him also.
Now, this word “intimidation” needs to be properly defined. And I don’t mean defined as in a dictionary definition. But I mean defined as in why. In other words, why is a Strong Man so intimidating? Because Strong Men, particularly Biblical Strong Men, are, generally speaking, remarkably humble, have self control, and are basically never violent. They are also not prone to yelling or verbal abuse or anything of the sort. (Sure, every Strong Man will have to raise his voice from time to time to take control of a situation, particularly with a contentious wife, but that is not the same thing as being temperamental and prone to verbal abuse.)
So there is no reason to fear a Strong Man from a logical perspective as he is the least likely person to physically harm you. He is also the least likely person to verbally attack you. Now, if you start an argument with him, he will likely respond forcefully, but that is not an “attack,” that is simply a Strong Man’s response to your own foolish argument. But strong men don’t pick fights, physically nor verbally. So again, they are the least frightening men to be around in the sense of potential for violence.
And even though these men are admired, followed, respected, and generally “looked up to” by so many people in their circle of influence, those closest to these men are still generally intimidating by them. And for the admirer’s on the outside, the thought of meeting these men, or getting close to them is intimidating. In fact, they are viewed in much the same way that celebrities are viewed, but without the actual celebrity status. In the same way that people feel intimidated to walk up to their favorite celebrity and talk to them, even though these celebrities are not scary or dangerous, people will feel intimidated by your Strong Man husband.
So what is it about strong men that creates this air of intimidation? Well, quite simply put, it is the fact that he is strong. And his aura exudes strength. Maybe he is funny or silly, or perhaps he is stoic and dry, or he could be anywhere in between in terms of personality. But regardless of his personality, his aura is always exuding, demonstrating, and communicating strength to those around him. And that strength is intimidating. People instantly know who the strong man is in the room. And if you need protection, you know where to seek refuge—with the Strong Man! And if you’ve done wrong, you know who to avoid—the Strong Man! Everybody knows what strength is and what it’s good for. And simply stated, strength is intimidating.
Now, the great problem I have found is when strong men marry weak women for their beauty. Because that is very common as we’ve already established. But it creates a polarizing dynamic between the two. Because weak people, particularly weak women, are not just intimidated by Strong Men, but they are afraid of them. And this fear manifests itself in terrible ways in the relationship. Over time, the fear usually turns into anger. And the anger has a negative domino effect in the relationship because Strong Men simply cannot be conquered or overcome with a woman’s anger, fear, or contentiousness. And those are the things that weak women typically bring to the relationship.
And the worst part about it is that weak women like this create and instill this fear in their children and ultimately cause a confusing dynamic for her children; where they simultaneously honor, love, admire, and respect their Dad for being the strong and good man that he is, but they also fear him and are inappropriately nervous around him, and are afraid to cultivate a close relationship with him because their weak mother has instilled an image of a “scary man” in them instead of the “Strong Man” that he is.
To a weak woman, a Strong Man is scary, cold, mean, cruel, and insensitive like a robot. To a good woman who is not weak, a Strong Man can be stoic, but she recognizes that as a positive trait. And a good woman who is not weak, recognizes the multiple strengths and overall strength of her husband as a blessing and something that is admirable, and ultimately something she should be grateful for.
The best analogy I can give you about a strong man is that of a giant brick wall that surrounds your house. Imagine there is a giant, thick, brick wall that surrounds your house and extends at least 50 feet into the sky. It’s huge! It’s ominous! It’s strong and powerful. It’s so strong, it is nearly impenetrable. When you walk up to it and look up at it, your neck tilts all the way back just to barely be able to see the top. And when you look up at it, tall, strong, powerful, and un-moveable, it is very intimidating. If you touch it, it is even more intimidating because you recognize how impenetrable it is. And it is just plain hard. It’s hard to touch. It is literally immovable (1 Corinthians 15:58). You can’t move it. You can’t push it. You can’t change it. This is basically what a Strong Man is like. His mere existence is intimidating.
And guess what happens to you if you try to pick a fight with a brick wall? What happens to you if you attack a brick wall? What happens to you if you try to punch the brick wall? Who gets hurt? Imagine punching a brick wall and then breaking your hand as a result. Then you go around blaming the brick wall for your hand being broken. But no, it was you who decided to punch the brick wall knowing that it was a brick wall! First of all, you shouldn’t be punching things. That’s your first problem. Second, if you’re going to punch something, punch a pillow! Not a brick wall!
And this is what happens with foolish women who are married to Strong Men. They pick fights with their husbands and then they themselves get hurt. Then they blame their hurt, pain, and anger, on their husbands. But it was her fault all along. You shouldn’t have picked a fight with a brick wall in the first place!
Instead of being intimidated by the brick wall, you should be grateful for it! All other people, and women in particular, wish they had a brick wall surrounding their house. It protects them. It provides for them. It keeps out evil, sickness, disease, negative influence, and more. It’s a giant barrier of protection that can only be taken down by heavy artillery! And that is what God did for you when you married your Strong Man husband! You were blessed with a brick wall for a husband. Yes, it’s intimidating, but once you’ve lived inside your home for any period of time, you just get used to the fact that there is a giant 50 foot brick wall surrounding your house. It’s not scary, but it is solid. It is powerful and it protects you! It provides safety, security, and stability for you. And everyone else looks on with admiration and respect.
So this all begs the question, why do weak women feel so fearful of their Strong Man husbands? Why do they see their strength that naturally causes intimidation, as something to not just be intimidated by, but to be fearful of?
Well, this is a much longer conversation and one that I am just going to briefly review. Because generally speaking, it goes to the history of these emotionally weak women. Too many of us have a painful history. Beautiful, yet emotionally weak women, very often come from a history of abuse (physical, sexual, and emotional), and in many cases have never had a positive male figure in their lives. If you have a history where your were abandoned by your father, or had sexual trauma from your past, or multiple partners in your youth, or had an emotionally unstable mother, then you learned to live off of your own survival instincts. And these instincts have become habits. And they are destructive. Generally speaking these habits play themselves out like this with your Strong Man husband:
This cycle is very predictable. Quite frankly, if you pair a Strong Man with an emotionally weak woman with an abusive or emotionally troubled past, this same cycle is not just predictable, it is inevitable. The only way out is through repentance. Unfortunately, the man in this relationship is not going to change. He’s a brick wall and honestly, he doesn’t need to change. He has not done something immoral. It is we women who need to change. The problem is that it is nearly impossible for us women to change because we can never see ourselves through the lens of the Bible. We never see ourselves as the one’s causing the contention. We only see ourselves as victims of heartless, cruel men, who are not sensitive or caring, and who treat us harshly and without kindness. Nothing could be further than the truth. Women like this, of whom I admit I was once one, are no different than women beating against a brick wall with their fists and then blaming the wall for their bloodied and broken hands.
So yes, a strong man is intimidating. And that’s a good thing! But no, he is not scary. He is not dangerous. That is something you created in your mind, and the consequences of it are so negative and so damaging and harmful, that it would be nearly impossible to describe. My dear sister, be kind to yourself, and do yourself a favor and simply repent. Love your intimidating husband; the rewards are just as indescribable as the negative consequences of doing the opposite.
Quite frankly, if your husband checks all the boxes on page 1 we can therefore know that he is a true “Strong Man” by definition. That being the case, you have certainly noticed that people, in general, are intimidated by him. Maybe even you are intimidated by him. And if you’re intimidated by him, then your kids are probably intimidated by him also.
Now, this word “intimidation” needs to be properly defined. And I don’t mean defined as in a dictionary definition. But I mean defined as in why. In other words, why is a Strong Man so intimidating? Because Strong Men, particularly Biblical Strong Men, are, generally speaking, remarkably humble, have self control, and are basically never violent. They are also not prone to yelling or verbal abuse or anything of the sort. (Sure, every Strong Man will have to raise his voice from time to time to take control of a situation, particularly with a contentious wife, but that is not the same thing as being temperamental and prone to verbal abuse.)
So there is no reason to fear a Strong Man from a logical perspective as he is the least likely person to physically harm you. He is also the least likely person to verbally attack you. Now, if you start an argument with him, he will likely respond forcefully, but that is not an “attack,” that is simply a Strong Man’s response to your own foolish argument. But strong men don’t pick fights, physically nor verbally. So again, they are the least frightening men to be around in the sense of potential for violence.
And even though these men are admired, followed, respected, and generally “looked up to” by so many people in their circle of influence, those closest to these men are still generally intimidating by them. And for the admirer’s on the outside, the thought of meeting these men, or getting close to them is intimidating. In fact, they are viewed in much the same way that celebrities are viewed, but without the actual celebrity status. In the same way that people feel intimidated to walk up to their favorite celebrity and talk to them, even though these celebrities are not scary or dangerous, people will feel intimidated by your Strong Man husband.
So what is it about strong men that creates this air of intimidation? Well, quite simply put, it is the fact that he is strong. And his aura exudes strength. Maybe he is funny or silly, or perhaps he is stoic and dry, or he could be anywhere in between in terms of personality. But regardless of his personality, his aura is always exuding, demonstrating, and communicating strength to those around him. And that strength is intimidating. People instantly know who the strong man is in the room. And if you need protection, you know where to seek refuge—with the Strong Man! And if you’ve done wrong, you know who to avoid—the Strong Man! Everybody knows what strength is and what it’s good for. And simply stated, strength is intimidating.
Now, the great problem I have found is when strong men marry weak women for their beauty. Because that is very common as we’ve already established. But it creates a polarizing dynamic between the two. Because weak people, particularly weak women, are not just intimidated by Strong Men, but they are afraid of them. And this fear manifests itself in terrible ways in the relationship. Over time, the fear usually turns into anger. And the anger has a negative domino effect in the relationship because Strong Men simply cannot be conquered or overcome with a woman’s anger, fear, or contentiousness. And those are the things that weak women typically bring to the relationship.
And the worst part about it is that weak women like this create and instill this fear in their children and ultimately cause a confusing dynamic for her children; where they simultaneously honor, love, admire, and respect their Dad for being the strong and good man that he is, but they also fear him and are inappropriately nervous around him, and are afraid to cultivate a close relationship with him because their weak mother has instilled an image of a “scary man” in them instead of the “Strong Man” that he is.
To a weak woman, a Strong Man is scary, cold, mean, cruel, and insensitive like a robot. To a good woman who is not weak, a Strong Man can be stoic, but she recognizes that as a positive trait. And a good woman who is not weak, recognizes the multiple strengths and overall strength of her husband as a blessing and something that is admirable, and ultimately something she should be grateful for.
The best analogy I can give you about a strong man is that of a giant brick wall that surrounds your house. Imagine there is a giant, thick, brick wall that surrounds your house and extends at least 50 feet into the sky. It’s huge! It’s ominous! It’s strong and powerful. It’s so strong, it is nearly impenetrable. When you walk up to it and look up at it, your neck tilts all the way back just to barely be able to see the top. And when you look up at it, tall, strong, powerful, and un-moveable, it is very intimidating. If you touch it, it is even more intimidating because you recognize how impenetrable it is. And it is just plain hard. It’s hard to touch. It is literally immovable (1 Corinthians 15:58). You can’t move it. You can’t push it. You can’t change it. This is basically what a Strong Man is like. His mere existence is intimidating.
And guess what happens to you if you try to pick a fight with a brick wall? What happens to you if you attack a brick wall? What happens to you if you try to punch the brick wall? Who gets hurt? Imagine punching a brick wall and then breaking your hand as a result. Then you go around blaming the brick wall for your hand being broken. But no, it was you who decided to punch the brick wall knowing that it was a brick wall! First of all, you shouldn’t be punching things. That’s your first problem. Second, if you’re going to punch something, punch a pillow! Not a brick wall!
And this is what happens with foolish women who are married to Strong Men. They pick fights with their husbands and then they themselves get hurt. Then they blame their hurt, pain, and anger, on their husbands. But it was her fault all along. You shouldn’t have picked a fight with a brick wall in the first place!
Instead of being intimidated by the brick wall, you should be grateful for it! All other people, and women in particular, wish they had a brick wall surrounding their house. It protects them. It provides for them. It keeps out evil, sickness, disease, negative influence, and more. It’s a giant barrier of protection that can only be taken down by heavy artillery! And that is what God did for you when you married your Strong Man husband! You were blessed with a brick wall for a husband. Yes, it’s intimidating, but once you’ve lived inside your home for any period of time, you just get used to the fact that there is a giant 50 foot brick wall surrounding your house. It’s not scary, but it is solid. It is powerful and it protects you! It provides safety, security, and stability for you. And everyone else looks on with admiration and respect.
So this all begs the question, why do weak women feel so fearful of their Strong Man husbands? Why do they see their strength that naturally causes intimidation, as something to not just be intimidated by, but to be fearful of?
Well, this is a much longer conversation and one that I am just going to briefly review. Because generally speaking, it goes to the history of these emotionally weak women. Too many of us have a painful history. Beautiful, yet emotionally weak women, very often come from a history of abuse (physical, sexual, and emotional), and in many cases have never had a positive male figure in their lives. If you have a history where your were abandoned by your father, or had sexual trauma from your past, or multiple partners in your youth, or had an emotionally unstable mother, then you learned to live off of your own survival instincts. And these instincts have become habits. And they are destructive. Generally speaking these habits play themselves out like this with your Strong Man husband:
- You feel fearful of your Strong Man husband because he demonstrates and exudes strength.
- As a weak woman with a troubled past, you are used to being attacked and are therefore always defensive.
- Anything your husband does or says is either attacked by you or you respond to it in a defensive manner because that is your habit from your entire life.
- Your Strong Man husband will hold you accountable for improper responses and attacks.
- As an emotionally weak woman, you are used to avoiding or alleviating your responsibility to these issues by acting dramatic, toxic, or contentious.
- Unfortunately, you learn that you can’t use these same techniques you’ve used with the rest of the world on your SCM husband and this creates anger in you.
- The anger turns to more contentiousness and more advanced drama.
- The constant contention without ever getting a win causes fear (because you feel like “I can’t win”).
- This continual contention and inability to “win” turns into resentment.
- Resentment creates additional discord, and the dominoes just keep falling until the inevitable end.
This cycle is very predictable. Quite frankly, if you pair a Strong Man with an emotionally weak woman with an abusive or emotionally troubled past, this same cycle is not just predictable, it is inevitable. The only way out is through repentance. Unfortunately, the man in this relationship is not going to change. He’s a brick wall and honestly, he doesn’t need to change. He has not done something immoral. It is we women who need to change. The problem is that it is nearly impossible for us women to change because we can never see ourselves through the lens of the Bible. We never see ourselves as the one’s causing the contention. We only see ourselves as victims of heartless, cruel men, who are not sensitive or caring, and who treat us harshly and without kindness. Nothing could be further than the truth. Women like this, of whom I admit I was once one, are no different than women beating against a brick wall with their fists and then blaming the wall for their bloodied and broken hands.
So yes, a strong man is intimidating. And that’s a good thing! But no, he is not scary. He is not dangerous. That is something you created in your mind, and the consequences of it are so negative and so damaging and harmful, that it would be nearly impossible to describe. My dear sister, be kind to yourself, and do yourself a favor and simply repent. Love your intimidating husband; the rewards are just as indescribable as the negative consequences of doing the opposite.
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