Libby Doe

So now we're getting close to the end and I know you are feeling all sorts of feelings. Probably the biggest feeling and the biggest weight you are experiencing is this overwhelming emotion that it's all your fault. And that feels awful! And our knee jerk reaction to that feeling is to simply reject it or deny it.

But instead of rejecting it, let's just think it through for a minute? I mean, is it really all your fault? Like really really? Well, the true answer to this question is: yes and no.

I know this book has been a tough read for many of you. I know many of you have been screaming while reading this book. Others have had fits of crying. Many of you are angry with me and many more of you are angry with yourselves. I understand. I too have been through the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a woman who is on the journey of discovering what it means to be married to a Strong Man.

But the biggest problem I had with all of it was this question that loomed over my mind at all times: was it really all my fault? Am I really to blame for everything? Are all the problems in my relationship with my husband all really because of me?

Because it seemed like it was, but I didn't want to accept it. And the other big problem I had with it was the fact that I could plainly see and point out all of the flaws of my husband. I mean, sure he's a Strong Man, but he's not perfect. My husband is a flawed man. In some ways, he is deeply flawed!

So if my husband is so flawed, and is by no means perfect, then why do I feel like this book and this journey is dumping the entire responsibility on my shoulders? Like it's all my fault? My husband has some culpability too, right?

Well, before I could answer that question, I read the book, “Marriage to a Difficult Man" which is basically a general biography on the life of Jonathan Edwards and his wife, Sarah Edwards. Now if that name sounds familiar, it is because Jonathan Edwards is one of the most highly respected Christian preachers in American history. He is most famous for his sermon, "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God."

He was a leading theologian who is credited with inspiring the Great Awakening that ultimately led to the American Revolution. Interestingly enough, an American educator, A.E. Winship decided to trace the descendants of Jonathan Edwards almost 150 years after his death. And his findings were remarkable, as Jonathan Edwards’ legacy includes: 1 U.S. Vice-President, 1 Dean of a law school, 1 dean of a medical school, 3 U.S. Senators, 3 governors, 3 mayors, 13 college presidents, 30 judges, 60 doctors, 65 professors, 75 Military officers, 80 public office holders, 100 lawyers, and 100 clergymen.

How may this be explained? Well, it is true that Edwards was a godly man, but he was also hard working, intelligent and moral. But A.E. Winship wrote this about this incredible legacy, “Much of the capacity and talent, intensity and character of the more than 1,400 of Edwards’ family is due to Mrs. Edwards.” WOW.

After reading that, my heart sank. I asked myself, if I was Jonathan Edwards' wife, would he have left such a legacy? I knew he wouldn't have and it would have been my fault. Of course, it wouldn't have been only my fault, as Jonathan Edwards was still a flawed man. And you can read about his flaws in the book, “Marriage to a Difficult Man." (Incidentally, the title of that book, was the inspiration for the title of my book, "Marriage to a Strong Man.") But the point is that regardless of Jonathan Edwards flaws, Sarah Edwards was so gracious and godly, that she was (even as a flawed woman), so capable of doing Jonathan Edwards good and not evil all the days of his life, that she maximized his ability to move the kingdom of God forward, instead of hindering it!

There was a call from God on Jonathan Edwards life, and fortunately, instead of hindering that call, Sarah Edwards maximized it. And the results are astonishing.

So while I knew my husband was (and still is) flawed, and that I wasn't the only one with problems, I had to come to the realization that I was unilaterally capable of fixing the problems. In other words, I didn't need my husband to do anything or to change in any way in order to solve the problems in our marriage. I could fix them all alone because truly, I was causing them.

Now that doesn't mean that my husband doesn't have some improving to do in certain areas of his life, it just means that I am the one culpable and able to fix the existing issues in our marriage. And so I decided to do just that. My prayer is that you will do the same.

Also, I learned that when it comes to changing a Strong Man and helping him improve, the way we emotionally weak try do to it is always all wrong. We try to do it by attempting to show ourselves better or superior to our husbands, and trying to point their flaws out to them. It never works. The main reason is that we are not authorized to do so. He is our head, not the other way around.

The way to win your husband and to help him improve in an area of life where he lacks or has flaws is to do so with our own overt godliness and Christian behavior. When a man recognizes the perfection of his wife (and by "perfection" I mean that we are on the path of perfection getting godlier and godlier every day), then this will naturally draw him closer to us and make him want to become better for us. This is the nature of a Strong Man. They are already always improving in every other area of their lives. If they see us being better and better as wives, they will naturally want to improve as husbands. And this is not just theory, this is a principle taught in the Bible itself. Remember what we read earlier:

1 Peter 3:1-2 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct." ESV

And the whole time, we silly women have been trying to TELL our husbands what to do, how to live, how to act, how to treat us, and doing so with a contentious spirit and nonstop meaningless drama. But all we ever had to do was live righteously and behave like modest, meek-and-quiet women. Truly, it never was really difficult in the first place.